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Electric Ghost Terrorizes Murderous Preppies
By Tucker Burns
NORTH HAMPTON, N.Y. — In the last six weeks, a ghost who could travel through electric lines killed five rich and fabulous residents of North Hampton, Long Island, N.Y., striking at his victims through possessed household appliances. The spirit, which formerly inhabited the body of local man Luther Stubbs, was trapped in the town’s electric grid — a predicament that also gave him the ability to control any electrical device that was plugged in.
Before Stubbs’ disappearance two months ago, he worked as a pool cleaner for many of the city’s well-to-do residents. Living in the shadow of such opulence, Stubbs was in awe of those with fat wallets and skinny wives. “He really loved going to those rich people’s houses and chatting them up about their stuff,” said Marty Ohlendorf, Stubbs’ former boss. “Must’ve worked, because he was our most popular employee.”
At the time, Ohlendorf was unaware just how “popular” Stubbs was. Among his clients was Mrs. Gwen Williams, who liked Stubbs so much she hired him even though she didn’t have a pool. Instead of putting Stubbs to work, Ms. Williams enjoyed him for services of a more personal nature. Although Ms. Williams considered her relationship with Stubbs to be a harmless fling, Stubbs believed they had a more profound romantic connection.
“He was an attractive young man, and I was a lonely housewife,” Mrs. Williams said. “I never meant for him to fall in love.”
Eventually, the affair attracted the ire of Mrs. William’s husband, James. Along with the members of his gun club and the local sheriff, the cuckolded CEO hunted down Stubbs and killed him near the town’s power station. The killers stashed Stubbs’ body in a junction box, exposed to open wires and thousands of amperes of energy. Unable to rest in peace, Stubbs’ soul couldn’t depart this world. Instead, it entered the local power lines and began to exact revenge on the preppy posse who did him in.
In all, five of his killers were rubbed out in “freak accidents” involving electrical devices, including Mr. Williams, who asphyxiated on an electric toothbrush, and North Hampton Sheriff Exner, who was dragged into his pool by a vacuum hose and electrocuted by party lights. Other items Stubbs used to kill his assailants included a food processor, a handheld computer, and an air conditioner fan blade.
In the end, the only person who could stop the rampage was the now-widowed Mrs. Williams. “We found his body in the power station and confronted his ghost, and I apologized for how I treated him,” she said. “I used him because I was lonely, and for that I am very sorry.” Finally at peace, Stubbs’ soul was able to escape the power grid to its final resting place in the big battery in the sky.
Now that it’s all over, the residents of North Hampton are thankful and relieved. “I thought the energy situation in California was bad,” Ohlendorf said. “But I’d take a rolling blackout over a haunted blender any day.”
“Let Sleeping Dogs Fry”
Written by Javier Grillo-Marxuach
Directed by Bruce Seth Green