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Headway to Hell!
Startling Truth behind Company’s Bankruptcy
By Tucker Burns
NEW YORK — People who like to buy their toothpaste, motor oil and matching parkas all from the same catalogue were shocked this week when international, multilevel marketing company Headway abruptly declared bankruptcy. More shocking, perhaps, is the fact that Headway’s demise was precipitated by the dramatic end of the company’s anticipated merger with Satan.
After several consecutive quarters of slumping sales and an FTC investigation a few years ago, David Tally, president of Headway International, Inc., decided to reverse the company’s declining fortunes by making a deal with the Devil. “He offered Satan our first-born child in return for Headway’s success,” said Rosie Tally, David’s wife. “Satan agreed, and the company took off.”
Nine months later, Rosie gave birth to Julian, a precious baby who bore the sign of the demon Mastema. According to the terms of David’s deal with Satan, Mastema would gestate in Julian’s body for one year and would be conjured on the boy’s first birthday, killing the tot and unleashing one of Satan’s soldiers on Earth.
However, as Julian’s first birthday approached, Rosie couldn’t go through with the plan. “I couldn’t justify sacrificing my son so other people could sell soap,” she said. Instead, she slipped out of Headway’s well-guarded compound on Manhattan’s Upper West Side and dropped her son off, wrapped in swaddling clothes, on the doorstep of The World Chronicle.
“There was always something odd about that child, but I couldn’t tell what,” said Chronicle head reporter Grace Hall, who helped care for young Julian while he was in the Chronicle’s custody. “I knew the kid was hard to handle, but who could have guessed he was literally a demon from Hell?”
Once intrepid Chronicle staffers determined that Julian was a vessel for Satan, Donald Stern, the Chronicle’s multitalented publisher, attempted an emergency exorcism. Unfortunately, before the rite was completed, armed Headway members interrupted the ceremony, grabbed Julian and brought the toddler back to Headway headquarters for the final summoning.
There, David Tally prepared to complete Julian’s transformation. Luckily, just before Mastema was to be released from Julian’s body, quick-thinking Chronicle reporters were able to complete the exorcism and expel the demon. Immediately, the demon possessed David Tally, devouring his life-force and evaporating his body before being banished back to the nether-realms.
Soon, without the Devil’s help, Headway’s fortunes took a turn for the worse. “We’re still selling quality merchandise, just not nearly as much,” said Helen, who identified herself as Headway member 17602. “But if anyone wants skin conditioner, or maybe some sandals or a block of American cheese, just give me a call.”
“Baby Got Back”
Written by Silvio Horta
Directed by John Kretchmer
RICHARD KARN . . . . . . . . as David Tally