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A Snitch in Time
By Tucker Burns
NEW YORK — New Yorkers often associate the mafia with Cadillacs, Frank Sinatra, and pasta. However, a group of mob hitmen who recently ravaged the city had different tastes: ABBA, Volvos, and meatballs — Swedish meatballs.
In the last several weeks, mobsters traveled to the year 2002 from the year 2349 on a mission to kill Lewis Phillips, a witness in a mafia trial.
“After testifying in a murder case in 2349, the government sent Lewis back to 2002 so he would be safe,” said Chronicle photographer Wes Freewald. “Or is it that the government will send him back here so he was safe. I’ve seen The Terminator over three hundred times, and I still can’t figure this stuff out.”
The futuristic hitmen were representatives of the Swedish Mafia, the leading crime syndicate in the future. Armed with Brownian motion accelerators that microwaved everything in their path, these mobsters carried out a hit that the Chronicle erroneously reported in our last issue as a case of spontaneous human combustion, under the headline “Man Explodes in Hot Car” by reporter Grace Hall.
“The Chronicle deeply regrets this error,” said Publisher and Editor-in-Chief Donald Stern. “We’re not in the business of lying to our readers, unlike the New York Times and National Geographic.”
Hall was unavailable for comment on this article. However, using her leads, the Chronicle was able to connect the initial charred corpse to two other victims, including dentist Shiela Sheldon.
“Lewis told us that Shiela was his connection to the future, a kind of technical support,” said Sal, chief of research at the Chronicle. “He had a false tooth that was using really interesting nanotechnology. Too bad it attracted those Swedes, who blew up our archives before I got a good look at it.”
The tooth, in fact, was a temporal beacon. Once activated, it tipped off the hitmen in the future, who came to 2002 to attack. Luckily, Stern came to the rescue. “Over three hundred years more advanced than us, and they still don’t know to look behind them,” Stern said. “Now I just need to figure out how to send the repair bill to the year 2349.” Searching for a way to save Phillips, the Chronicle tracked the Swedish mobsters to the Ikea in Elizabeth, N.J. “Obviously that’s where they hang out,” Freewald said. “You don’t want to know what criminals are lurking in Linens N’ Things.”
At Ikea, the Chronicle was able to secure a key to a crypt at the Great Oaks Mausoleum. “The mobsters used the crypt as a way to communicate with the future. If you put something in there today, it’ll be there tomorrow. And if someone put something in there yesterday, it’ll be there today, even if it wasn’t there this morning,” said Freewald. “Anyway, it worked.”
Indeed it did. With the Swedish mobsters tracking us down, our message was relayed to the future, and, suddenly, six small women appeared and took care of business, blasting away the hitmen and saving Phillips. Why small women? Said Stern, “I’m working on a few theories, mostly based on what I call the Dr. Ruth Effect.”
Shortly after the mélée, Phillips disappeared and was unavailable to comment for this article.
“I’m not surprised he’s gone. Guys like Lewis are always up to something,” Stern said. “He probably ran off with some girl.”
“A Snitch in Time”
Written by Hans Beimler
Directed by Krishna Rao