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The King Is (Un)Dead
By Tucker Burns
NEW YORK — Elvis fans who insist the King is still alive have spotted him in the most bizarre places: working undercover for the CIA, driving the open road as a long-haul trucker, or even trying out for ABC’s defunct reality series Making the Band. However, the Chronicle has recently discovered that the King is actually a vampire hunter. We think.
Working off a tip that Elvis sometimes appears at fan conventions, the Chronicle went undercover at Elvisopolis 3000 in New York. There, our suspicions focused on a hotel guest who checked in under one of Elvis’ common aliases and was staying in a room with a number that matched the King’s birthday.
This lead led us to a suspiciously good Elvis look-alike. “We followed him to a service corridor above the ballroom just as the closing ceremonies were getting started,” said Wes Freewald, senior Chronicle photographer and a born-again Elvis fan. “I knew something was weird about the guy even before he shot some crossbow bolts at us.”
Later, in the crossbow-happy Elvis’s room, the Chronicle team found schematics that showed how to bypass the hotel’s sprinkler system. Following the diagrams, we discovered several canisters set to dispense a clear liquid on the conventioneers. After disarming the canisters, we later realized that they contained holy water.
Meanwhile, Chronicle reporter Grace Hall tracked her own story in the sewers of Brooklyn. “My source brought me to a vampire in an Elvis costume, which was pretty weird,” said Hall. “It tells you something about my life when the weird thing was the Elvis costume, not the vampire.”
Soon, we realized that the two stories were related. “There has been a disturbing history of vampire attacks at Elvis conventions,” said Sal, chief if research at the World Chronicle. “Why couldn’t the vampires hang out at Limp Bizkit conventions and do us all a favor?”
The vampires’ presence at the convention were later confirmed when Hall entered the ballroom to witness the Elvisopolis closing ceremonies. “I looked in a mirror and half the people there didn’t have reflections,” Hall said.
One of the reflectionally challenged ersatz-Elvi was Kingmaster Lobo, the host of the closing ceremonies and the head vampire. Luckily, someone was looking out for us in the form of our would-be King, who went by the name Jesse. Even though Jesse was the same age as Elvis would be and had much of the same biography, he insisted that he wasn’t the King, but instead was a vampire hunter. He informed us that Kingmaster Lobo and his vampire Elvi planned to attack the living conventioneers at midnight — a deadline that was mere minutes away. Luckily, Jesse came prepared for a fight, bringing along a vampire-killing ultraviolet flashlight. Chronicle Editor-in-Chief Donald Stern and receptionist Vera also rushed to the hotel to help out.
“Jesse explained that vampires were interested in Elvis culture because it allowed them to work at night, wear sunglasses at all times, as well as dress in capes and high collars,” Freewald said. “It makes you wonder what’s going on with the K.I.S.S. army.”
Down in the ballroom, as the vampire Elvi attacked, the Chronicle sprang into action. While Jesse fought off and killed Kingmaster Lobo, we were left to fend off a horde of the sideburn-sporting bloodsuckers.
“They were coming at us from all sides,” Freewald said. “Luckily I was wearing highly reflective gold lamé. Tuck B shined the U.V. light at me and my suit spread it all around the room, burning the vampires alive.”
After the vampires were destroyed and calm was restored, we received an amazing revelation: Jesse’s last name was Garon. Jesse Garon, of course, was the name of Elvis Presley’s twin brother who died at birth. However, Jesse still insisted that he was not the King.
“Was it really him? My gut tells me yes,” Freewald said. “For what it’s worth, my gut also tells me that Tupac is somewhere fighting zombies, so take it with a grain of salt.”
“The King is (Un)Dead”
Written by Javier Grillo-Marxuach
Directed by Krishna Rao