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My Wild Night with the Brooklyn Bloodsucker
By Tucker Burns
NEW YORK — Last Wednesday night, the city that never sleeps was nearly destroyed by aliens in search of their spiritual guru. Luckily, several Chronicle staffers, including this reporter, were able to appease our interplanetary visitors and avoid a close encounter of the nuclear kind.
The pissed-off E.T.s — residents of the galaxy Markarian 529 — came to Earth searching for their religious leader, whom they believed was kidnapped and held prisoner, and they were prepared to vaporize the island of Manhattan if he wasn’t returned by midnight. “We got him back just in time,” said Wes Freewald, a photographer for The World Chronicle. “And thank God it just wanted to get home instead of, you know, eat us.”
Residents of Greenpoint, Brooklyn, first spotted the creature Monday evening. “It had red, glowing eyes, huge fangs, and was covered with goo,” said Tim, a young man whose cat was among the creature’s victims. Former dog owner Rosa Gonzalez, who encountered the creature as it attacked her Shih-Tzu, knew that the creature wasn’t from this planet. “The only person who would listen to me was the man from The Chronicle,” Rosa said. “I tried to thank him, but he doesn’t seem to be returning my calls.”
At the time, of course, no one knew that the Big Apple was in danger from an alien force. No one except for Ruby, The World Chronicle’s very own psychic.
The creature’s true identity was revealed after intrepid World Chronicle personnel captured it in a bus yard in Brooklyn. Despite descriptions of the creature as a violent predator, it proved to be quite placid and friendly once it was reassured it was among friends.
Soon after this friendly contact was made, however, it was discovered that the creature’s followers were en route to New York to retrieve him within the hour. With the lives of millions of potential readers at stake, The World Chronicle team sprang into action.
“We figured out they wanted him brought to the Great Lawn in Central Park,” Wes explained. “Once we got there, the ground started shaking like a flamenco dancer with an itch. Then this huge spaceship shot a red beam to the ground. If we hadn’t brought His Holy Ugliness to the rendez-vous, those freaky friends of his would’ve deep-fried our butts atomic-style.”
Fortunately, the alien Dalai Lama replied to his followers with a similar red beam from his eyes, signaling the mothership, which transported him aboard in a flash of light, averting imminent disaster by mere moments.
“It was all in a day’s work,” said Grace Hall, the World Chronicle’s head reporter, who declined to be photographed for this article. “We were just doing our part,” added Sal, the World Chronicle’s crack researcher, whom we declined to photograph for this article.
Written by Silvio Horta
Directed by Marc Buckland
LORI ROM . . . . . . . . as Shawna