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My Brother is a Bounty Hunter From Hell!
By Tucker Burns
NEW YORK — When people pass on, they sometimes leave behind unfinished business here on Earth. Usually, these unfortunate folks have to perform a few good deeds before they are allowed into the Great Beyond. But for one outlaw biker, his unfinished business consisted of kicking some ass before going to Hell.
The outlaw biker in question is Hellboy, who would “split your dome” if you referred to him by his given name, Clarence. “He was a tough guy,” said Hellboy’s brother, who goes by the biker nickname Nitro. “I once saw him take out a van full of hippies with a tire iron. And he was a damn good bounty hunter.”
However, Hellboy’s bounty-hunting days were cut short six months ago when he was decapitated in a motorcycle accident. Rising last week from his early grave, the headless Hellboy went on a citywide rampage, decapitating a DMV employee, a meter maid, and an IRS agent.
“He took out his sword and whoosh, he chopped off the man’s head,” said Hsein Cheung, a shop owner and witness to the meter maid’s murder who spoke to The Chronicle through an interpreter. Cheung, who keeps a shotgun in his store for protection, brandished it against the headless biker. “I shot, his helmet came off, and he had no head. Not pretty.”
Quick-thinking Chronicle staffers were able to discern a pattern to the attacks and warn Dick Blanston, a cable company employee who was the headless biker’s intended fourth victim. However, after shuttling Mr. Blanston to safety, the truth about him and Hellboy’s other victims was revealed.
“I saw this man’s [Blanston] aura and it was pure evil,” said Ruby, the Chronicle’s resident psychic, who recognized Dick’s demonic alter-ego. “I haven’t seen that much diabolic power since Carson Daly.” Further research revealed that Blanston, along with the headless biker’s other three victims, all were escapees of a prison in Hell. These fugitive fiends might have been able to hide out on Earth for years if it weren’t for Hellboy.
“I’m ashamed to say it, but when Hellboy was beheaded I kept his noggin and didn’t bury it with him,” said Nitro, who now admits that his actions were “very uncool.” When Hellboy was cremated without his head, the Devil forced his spirit to patrol the Earth, continuing his work as a bounty hunter until he could be reunited with his skull. Of course, for Hell-bound Hellboy, his post-mortem bounty hunting had shifted from criminals to demons.
Unfortunately, when Hellboy was unable to apprehend Blanston, he took this reporter hostage. Later, when Blanston stole Hellboy’s head to bribe Hellboy for his freedom, Nitro and several Chronicle staffers stepped in to save the day.
“We knew Blanston would do anything to save himself from going back to Hell,” said Wes Freewald, a photographer for the Chronicle. “Luckily, evil isn’t always smart.” Freewald tricked Blanston into returning Hellboy’s skull to Nitro, who was disguised as Hellboy. The real Hellboy then revealed himself and claimed Blanston as his final victim. Nitro returned his brother’s skull, at which time Hellboy freed this reporter and descended into Hell, never to return.
Is this a happy ending? According to Nitro, the answer is an emphatic yes: “Hellboy is down there right now, partying with Ghengis Khan and Sonny Bono, having a ball at the expense of all common decency. Mom would be so proud.”
“Bring Me the Head of Tucker Burns”
Written by Javier Grillo-Marxuach
Directed by Sandy Bookstaver
ELAINE HENDRIX . . . . . . . . as Kristen Martin