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Is That an Alien in Your Pants or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
By Tucker Burns
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199×240
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Jun 08, 2022
NEW YORK — Last week, World Chronicle publisher Donald Stern narrowly avoided death as he eluded a sexually transmitted alien assassin. Sent by the royal family of the Myazaki Cluster as revenge for an unflattering story, the S.T.A. left a path of death and destruction before a group of intrepid Chronicle reporters came to the rescue (no pun intended).
The oversexed, jellyfish-like creature operated by living inside human hosts, using sexual intercourse to transfer itself to new host bodies as it went about its mission. The creature covered its tracks by destroying its former hosts, leaving their post-coital bodies as limp sacks of acid-burned skin.
The S.T.A. crashed to Earth in a space pod disguised as a meteorite, landing at Racks N’ Rears, a local gentlemen’s club. There, the gooey gigolo entered its first host, a dancer known to her clients as Dakota.
“She was giving a private dance right where the meteorite crashed, and she didn’t even freak out,” said fellow dancer Savannah, who witnessed the event from a client’s lap. “She just climbed up from the hole, all cut up and bruised and bloody, and walked away.” What Savannah didn’t know was that Dakota was carrying a silent, slimy killer.
That afternoon, as Dakota and her boyfriend Jesse Vance had sex, the S.T.A. entered Vance’s body, leaving Dakota behind as a smoldering pile of goop. Under the S.T.A.’s control, Vance then came after Stern. “He stabbed me in the stomach, but I was able to think quickly and distract him, allowing one of my reporters to shoot it with a plasma bolt,” Stern explained.
As Stern mended his wound in a biomorphic healing sanctuary, the S.T.A. ventured to a hotel to find a new host. There, it encountered an overwhelming number of options in the form of the World Swinger’s Convention.
Next, the S.T.A. used a homosexual tryst to enter a hotel waiter, and, through him, Chronicle reporter Grace Hall. “I was at the hotel to find and neutralize the assassin,” said Hall, who insisted that there’s no way she would have come within ten miles of the convention if she hadn’t been fighting a monster from outer space. “I don’t remember the specifics, but I was immediately attracted to him.” In fact, Hall’s overwhelming attraction was the result of the S.T.A.’s ability to generate powerful pheromones, which cause chemical reactions as part of the process of sexual attraction.
The S.T.A.-infected Hall then returned to the Chronicle offices to find and kill Stern. Believing Stern to be locked in the healing sanctuary, the S.T.A. sought to enter the body of the only person who could open the door, Chronicle researcher Sal. “She offered me pleasures no pig-man hybrid has ever known, but I had to resist,” Sal lamented. “Of course, I got to first base with her, which I consider a partial victory.”
With his libido suppressed, Sal trapped the S.T.A.-infected Hall in the healing sanctuary and infused it with a chemical cocktail that stimulated an orgasm, tricking the S.T.A. into exiting Hall’s body without a new host to enter. Once exposed to Earth’s atmosphere, the S.T.A. suffocated and died.
“I couldn’t have done it without Sal,” Hall said. “Actually, I guess I did do it without Sal, but — well, you know what I mean.”
“Touched by an Alien”
Written by Javier Grillo-Marxuach
Directed by Sanford Bookstaver
Guest Starring:
Anna Maria Horsford . . . . . . . . as Jolene Freewald
Tucker Smallwood . . . . . . . . as Alonso Freewald
